Thursday, December 31, 2009
I've been working on next years calendar - tomorrow's calendar. Wondering where next year will take me. The past 12 months have been patiently sitting still while the next 12 months will be actively moving forward. The last 12 months have been spent recovering and strengthening while the next 12 months will be buidling and testing the limits.
I wish I had someone here with me.
Today I was reminded of old flames, forgotten interests and broken promises. Tomorrow I hope to leave it all behind.
I know it's just another day. But in some ways it's a state of mind. Once again a new start. Starting at 1 and ending at 365. Kinda like each day is a new start, each birthday is a new beginning, a new chance.
Ya know the feeling?
So yea. I'm contemplating the new year. Starting fresh.
It reminds me of when I was 13. We'd just moved to a new town during Christmas break. We had a new address, new school, new neighboors and a new year. I remember thinking this is a chance to make a whole new me.
Maybe I'm going overboard. But I like this moment. When one year ends and another begins.
Is it just me?
In Sept he took me out for my birthday twice, once was tickets to see Reba (my favorite), the second time was to a fancy dinner ($132 for the both of us) then one of those jaquzzi rooms (he was the perfect gentleman). It was a great week, One I'll never forget but I still had my doubts of whether or not things would last between us.
October he invited me to go hunting with him and his grandpa. I thought alot of that invitation because to me it seemed special. We were finally getting closer. I was starting to see our lives together. I met his kids the second week we went hunting with his grandpa. I had him and his kids over for dinner a couple of times. Finally it seemed like a relationship that might blossom intom something more.
November it seemed like we were a family. Every Wednesday without question him and his kids would drive over and eat dinner, play board games and everyone pitched in doing chores. We were talking about making our relationship a little more committed at the end of the school year and measuring the rooms for bunk beds.
Thanksgiving week came and went without much of a word. This will probably be his grandpa's last year with them. While I felt left out and discouraged we made it past it and planned for Christmas.
Nov 30 he had a birthday. The Wednesday after that I made him a cake and we celebrated. He left that night with an "I love you" and "I'll see you Saturday". It was a good night. After the discouragement of Thanksgiving week I felt secure again in our relationship.
Friday night he sent me a txt saying he'd be here around 11.
Saturday he never showed up. He didn't answer his phone, he didn't retuurn a txt. I spent the day checking the obits thinking maybe his grandfather had died or he'd been in a wreck.
Sunday came and still no word. His phone was on but he wasn't answering. Whether or not he was getting my txt's I couldn't be sure.
By Monday I was heartbroken. How could all of that just vanish without even a goodbye. Surely something bad had happend.
I found his myspace page. Lonely. was his status. His recent log in was evidence that he wasn't hurt or dead.
Somewhere he'd decided he was done. When that moment was I havn't a clue.
Now. Dec 31 2009. I wonder. Do I really have what it takes to go through that again? Do I really want to give my love to someone who could so easily just walk away without so much as a goodbye? I wonder how could I possibly see the next one coming (or going)?
Do I really want to do that again?
I've been juggling this question in my head since he disapeared. If you remember back in my earlier posts I had this happen before.
So now what? It's not so much of whether or not I need a guy. I don't. The question of whether or not I want someone coming home every night. Sure that'd be nice. But what will it take to get there? How many disapearing acts will I have to witness before one decides to stay?
I don't know what the goal would be for the new year.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
As I'm walking into the house from being inside I tend to set tools, gloves, hat, etc. down on the closest counter, Next to my bed is another couple of books or misc reading material. The breakfast nook tends to have some project on it, the dinning room table is almost always half covered with half folded laundry that got left to do somethng that required more immediate attention.
The garage has a corner full of wood of varying lengths shapes and sizes that "might come in handy" and occassionally do. My garden shed has managed to turn into partial storage for all those boxes that "might come in handy", beer bottles that will get filled eventually, extra lawn ornaments.
Know the feeling?
Things pile up, stack up get covered up and left for another day or for later. Eventually you take a look around and realize why you havn't invited company over for 4 months.
The solution? Make neater stacks? Declutter at the end of the day? Find a better place to put it?
New task to take on in the new year... declutter and rearrange to make everything fit more efficiently?
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
You may find yourself making a schedule and trying to stick to it but things are not that simple because with out living by someone else's clock you have more flexibility and more room for forgetting (that 1pm lunch break got passed up and now it's 3pm).
Or you take the opposite route; you know what you need to do and you just hack through your to do list with the only direciton being to get it all done. That works to a point until you realize that the vacumming isn't done and the kids are now in bed, or you realize that those vita/worming/vac/med you're spose to give the livestock havnt been done yet and it's 10pm.
So the challenge is to piece together each day like a puzzle. Where you start and end up is a learning curve. Some start on the outside and work their way in. Some start with the easiest parts then work their way to the harder stuff. Some just wing it all the way through.
One week you find yourself making lists, the next you find yourself following someone elses suggestion, the next you find yourself behind with no direction written out..
Know the feeling?
Goal for the new year... put some rhyme and reason into each day.
Monday, December 28, 2009
This year I'm reminded of my divorce. The person I was when I walked out of that relationship. The person I became since then. It feels like it's been forever. 5yrs since I filed (though it took longer for it to become legit). I feel like I should be filing for something and waiting for it to become legit.
There was one word that helped me from being a lost lonely co-dependent exwife to who I am now. Reinventing. I decided who I wanted to be and made a game plan to become that person. Here I am. Though I feel like something's still missing. I feel a need to reinvent me again. Though I'm not sure to what extreme. Last time it was easy because it was a total reinvention. Now I think it'll be more subtle.
Wake up earlier, work harder, self reliant, independent..
The game plan? Take what I've done so far and take it to the next level.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
I think of some of the similarities between now and 12 months ago.
This year is seeing another ltr end with confusion. Ofcourse it was so different then last year that there's no way I could have seen it coming. I didn't write down all the dates I had in between like I use to do. I did however have 3 dates from eHarmony. (yet I'm still single) Beginning of the year saw it ending with Chris. Feb till March saw me burning up minutes with Scott; eharmony's cutest Kansas farmer. then the coyote hunter. Dan; nice guy just way too pushy. Brian; eharmony's old and insecure. Mr. Hyde; the correctional officer. Aug till Nov Jeramie; he'll teach me never to settle for less. I even got a date with George (fantasy come true) I'm sure there must be a date or two in there I'm missing but those are the most memorable.
I spent 7 or 8 weekends camping this year. Not bad. I spent atleast 3 months of weekends hunting this year. Not bad. I didn't fill any tags but sure had some fun. Spent one day catching crawdads, spent one night camped out eating crab. Walked miles upon miles following game trail, bear scat and gravel log roads. Only spent about 2hrs lost. But I wasn't really lost just a little late. Confirmed that finding a hunting partner is just as difficult as finding a life partner and I should be just as picky.
My oldest turned 8 this year and the baby 1 (she's 22 months right now). My youngest healed from her surgery and is growing out of her problems. My oldest is becoming very independent and dependable. My two girls make me want to try for a boy but yea I think that'll wait a couple of years. October saw me standing back on my own two feet. No more public assistance for me! August and September saw me making plans for starting a Garden Share. This is what will help see the kids and I through 2010. I've some big plans. Though I guess to most, my big plans are pretty small. March will see me adding a couple of hives to my farm. Porklets and if I can talk the neighbor into it maybe a side of beef. Poultry. A couple more rabbits. I love this self-reliant thing.
Yea this past year has been busy.
Living, loving and planning for the future.
(Now to secure a date to watch the new year come in.)
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Though I guess it's not the active task of the past. I get to sit in my pj's in my big comfy chair, a hot cup of coffee at hand and my PC on my lap. Browsing through all the online catalogs. Daydreaming about buckets of honey from those beehives I'll be ordering in Jan, baskets of veggies from the seeds that are now in the mail and on their way. Contemplating should I try raising geese as well as turkeys next spring or just stick with chickens. A steer calf? One or two wiener piglets? Should I try mead this year or continue my quest for the perfect homebrew?
To me, the farmer chick, my stomach growls at the idea of all the glorious home grown food. That's what I get for shopping on an empty stomach!
Monday, October 12, 2009
I've been working on a game plan to start a CSA or Garden Share. The website is still in the rough draft stage but I'm now taking orders.
Monday, September 7, 2009
I'm looking forward to the years to come as the asparagus and rhubarb gets established, the newly planted orchard will start producing fruit. I may even offer farm fresh eggs. With my limited space I won't be tempted to go overboard with my Garden Share project.
If you're within 35 miles of Scio, OR and think you'd enjoy receiving about 25 weeks of in season garden produce in 2010 drop me and email and I'll send you a brochure.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
I’m excited. My goal to stay home and raise my children has been made possible without a lot of startup that so many home businesses require. I can easily garden more space without adding a lot to my monthly bill. Seeds come in abundance for such a small price. Starting plants indoors will take a little practice but not something I have to wait for the proper season to practice. While I don’t have the greenest thumb, I have (thanks to the large quantity of alpaca manure) been able to grow successful gardens for the past 4 years.
I'm confident. In my ability, ambition and heart.
Check back often. I'll let ya know how the plans are progressing.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
My big farm chores only get done when I have a sitter for the baby since I she is too small to keep up. When the sitter (my aunt) is here my oldest daughter and I get to work. My oldest is only 7yrs old but she’s a natural when it comes to hard work. Doesn’t complain at all and sleeps even better at night. Just like her mom. I couldn’t be prouder of her!
My youngest has enjoyed a little bit of the outside but it’s been in the 80’s and 90’s the last three days so she hasn’t been allowed out much. She’s got that red head gene in her which means she turns pink very quickly. Her sister and I on the other hand just turn a nice shade of tan. At least twice today I caught myself looking at my bronzed shoulders wishing I was brave enough to do farm chores in a bikini top. Ah to have no tan lines! So far I’ve worn nothing less than a spaghetti strap tank top and no more than a normal tank top out to work (besides the jeans and boots).
We’ve got wasp nests sprayed, the barn door re-hung, the briars cut back and part of the path around the garden put in. Doesn’t sound like a lot when you just look at the simplified list but it’s been enough work to last us almost three days. The only break I’ve gotten so far was a nice lunch date Friday from someone I’ve been pining over for the past 3yrs. (but trying to forget) don’t laugh. It’s just another episode in the sitcom I call my life (I’m almost sure). A girl can dream though, can’t she? At least until reality hits home.
For now I’m content. I have the first of my lemon cucumbers soaking in my home made pickle juice, a good friend from MO chatting with me online and nothing standing in my way of sleep besides the baby possibly waking up for another bottle. I don’t think life could be any better than this.
Oh and I ordered 25 fryers, 5 buff orpington hens and 5 barred rock hens! It’s like waiting for Christmas; I can’t wait till my chicks are delivered! Yay! (Maybe I’ll even see my lunch date from Friday again.)
Smile! I’m smiling!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Both my kids were born early, Michelle 8wks early spent 4wks in NICU and Elizabeth 10wks early spent 7wks in NICU. Elizabeth is extra special because she was my true test of strength and proof I could handle anything that life threw my direction.
Elizabeth was a tiny 2lbs 14oz when she was born. She was born with several birth defects that I won't go into detail her but make her a very rare and special baby. (Even if she wasn't already special enough, right?)
Today faced with losing what little overhead I have or going to work. I don’t mind work; I run a farm work is what I do. I’m not lazy; I run a farm lazy isn’t possible. Due to this failing economy I’m losing one of my investors; long term investments are not always possible when the interest on your mortgage goes up, get laid off or have unexpected expenses. Sometimes others need the help more, simple as that. No hard feelings just reality hitting home. Ya know?
I’m determined to raise my daughters into responsible contributing citizens though. No I won’t leave them in the hands of strangers. Yes I will figure out how to make ends meet without the extra help. How is out of my reach of understanding right now but time, prayer and lots of sacrifice will see us there?
Become an advocate for mom’s who want nothing more than to raise their own children.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Elizabeth got in a lot of practice walkin on the grass and gravel paths.
My Aunt Nina is the one who told us about the lavender farms and invited us along with her to see them. When I was growing up my Aunt Nina was almost more of a parent then my own mom. Now days even though she's not Grandma to my kids I refer to her as their Nana. When I found this species of lavender among the many different varieties I thought it was fitting.
Part of the way through our day we stopped in Yahmill at the Artisan Fair to look at booths. Michelle's favorite part of the Fair was the playground; mine was this old tractor they had parked in the corner of the playground. (Can't resist an old tractor!)
Who could resist the beauty of fields of purple lavender blowing in the breeze and the fragrant air that you can smell before you even see the fields? (oh and don't forget the natural relaxing properties of lavender)
Well I'm sorry I couldn't share the wonderful scents of the day but atleast I got to share some of the beautiful plants. Hope you enjoy 'em as much as I do!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
We spent some time in the garden too. Though I'm proud of the tomato plants that are exploding with tomatos my oldest thought this was the best pic to describe our garden adventure. She thinks caterpillars are cool. (I wonder if they'd make good fishing bait?) Tonight we had a nice salad out of our garden; lettuce, tomatos and carrots. Even put up a jar of pickle slices (I just soak em in vinegar, sugar and fennel, then snack at will). I have a friend in Missouri sending me some cucumber seeds special for pickles (I can't wait). Next year I'll be adding a few things to the garden I'm missing this year and try my hand at an herb garden.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Getting back into the habit is another task altogether. I'm a full time student on top of all the other chores, last semester I found myself drowning in 21 credits which meant 4 or 5 essays every week. So my brain seems to be fighting the writing thing. (notice my grammar sucks)
As I get back into the rhythm I'll introduce you to my farm, my kids and my life in general.
She loves being a big sister though!
Some of our critters.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I joined eHarmony a while back and was nothing but disappointed in the men they sent my way. I almost got the impression that they were even more desperate than your average online dater. You might argue that if you’re willing to pitch out $200 for a dating site that means you’re sincerely looking; for some that couldn’t be more accurate. On the other hand if you’re willing to pitch out $200 for dating maybe it just means you’re that bad at finding a date otherwise. Or maybe it’s being so tired of the kind of guys you find on a regular pay site so you pay more hoping that you get what you pay for. That is a well known cliché; you get what you pay for. In that case I can’t afford the kind of guy I want.
I joined match.com a while back and got the same results with it; the same kind of guy, the nice one that you have a great time with then one day he just vanishes without a word. The kind that really leaves you confused because you never saw it coming. The kind that makes you want to not have fun with the next guy cause you don’t want to like him because you don’t want to be left confused and hurt again when they disappear as well.
That’s where I’m sitting at now. I figured the best way to get past the old hurt was to move on, right? Isn’t that what they tell you to do? Well so I did. Found a new date (it’s not a hard task to find a date). Yea sure date one went great and date two was nice too, but I’m left wanting to slow it down or stop it. You ask about well why not speed it up? Well that would just get to the disappearing part sooner. Dating really is over rated.
I had someone accuse me of being a serial dater. I guess that means you date a lot? I never could find the real definition to that title. If that is the definition then yes I guess I could be titled that way but it’s nothing I can do about it. It’s, keep looking for Mr. Right or give up all hope and start collecting cats. (I'm not a cat person) ,,,^o.o^,,,~~~~
Ah well. I doubt I’ll ever truly understand this sport called dating. It certainly seems to only allow one person to win; always one loser.
Ok I’m thinking this is the last of my dating blogs for awhile. Just talking about it weirds me out.
Monday, June 29, 2009
I read an article that gave excuses for guys disappearing for no good reason, personally I find it odd that people would really accept this form of disrespect; or hand it out. In today’s world is seems like people are not held accountable for anything they do; therefore there are no consequences to their actions. If you decide one day you don’t want to be with someone then you just start ignoring their calls. I find it mind boggling. Especially with the types of guys I’ve been finding that do this sort of thing.
I’m not the type to hang out with weak men. I don’t pick men that are pushovers or soft. I don’t pick guys who are extremely rude either though, just decent individuals. You know the type? Or at least they seem like decent individuals at the time. With the disappearing act I’m left to assume I’ve misjudged yet another guy. So where am I going wrong? How do you spot a disappearing act before you start liking him? That’s what I don’t understand.
So yea, dating and love is something I guess I’m not all that good at, otherwise you’d think that I’d have more success at it. Right?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Roommates. When you’re a single parent trying to make ends meet sometimes you find it helpful to get yourself a roommate or two. In my case the first roommate is my mother, struggling to concentrate on school work, get out to do farm chores and still having a little me time, I asked my mother to move in and help out with the kids. She came with enthusiasm. Free room and board is tempting when all you have to do is change a couple of diapers and entertain a baby throughout the day.
Roommate number two… let’s just say rent is helpful.
Anyone who’s ever lived with their mother (if you don’t get along with her) knows what a challenge it can be. All you men who’ve ever dealt with the b*tch of a mother-in-law, my mother is much worse (show appreciation, it could be worse). I find it humorous some people will give what she does a title like “abuse” saying, “You don’t have to live with the verbal abuse.” Ha! She’s my mother; of course I have to live with her abuse. I mean isn’t that what mother’s are for? Hmm…
Nah she’s not all bad. When she’s not sticking her nose in that one drawer in my bedroom that no nose belongs in (ladies you know what I’m talking about), or telling me what a bad mother I am, or how good I had it when I was married, how bad of a house keeper I am (remember most mothers like to clean up other people’s messes), or openly assumes I’m having sex with every date I go on (I have more morals than that!), she’s great. When I need to run to the grocery store she watches the kids, when I need a little time to myself I can pretend to go to the grocery store and she watches the kids (it really can take 4hrs to buy a gallon of milk!) and she’s almost always pleasant about it (as long as I have a $20 for her when I come home). I appreciate my mother (when she’s in a civil mood).
I have a long term plan with schooling, basically when the baby (now 16 months) gets into Kindergarten then I’ll be ready for a second career with benefits (working for state or fed is kind of nice if you don’t have health insurance) This long term goal gives me ample room for distractions (kids are good at distractions) and a few extracurricular activities (fly-fishing last summer, kayaking next summer). So the goal is to keep peace with mom long enough to get through school and into the start of an outside career. I’m optimistic, luckily I have a certain ability to deal with stressful situations (I don’t know who I got that trait from). So yea, mom will be sticking around for awhile (as long as I can keep on this side of sanity).
So here we are, trodding through life as best we can. Trial and error is an everyday event. The key is learning which ones are errors before they do too much damage. (I think)
Wish me luck!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Farming, even my little 2 acres, a few alpacas and couple of chickens has been a real challenge. Something I wish I would have planned better for, though I love the challenge it’s another thing I’m certainly not a natural at. It’s a learned skill I guess (a lot of learned skills). Although it’s been hard I wouldn’t change my new lifestyle for anything. The housewife part is still a goal but I like the country lifestyle enough to want someone who’s likeminded.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Being a housewife wasn’t my career of choice growing up. I spent a year in college earning general ed. credits, and then spent another year in college studying horses (horse breeding and stable management) my goal was to cowboy on some ranch and eventually become a horse trainer and breeder. Well love got in the way of that dream. I met a boy and together we started a family. I was always a firm believer in the mom’s place was in the home, so once we had our first child that was the end of my paid employment days. I wasn’t a natural housewife or mother but I took my job seriously and learned both (lots of trial and error). I learned the art of making a great meal, learned that sometimes you have to scrub the kitchen floor on your hands and knees if you want it clean. Learned that bleach should be used in less than moderation unless you wanted to toss out whatever you were cleaning. Learning to be a housewife and mom isn’t something you take college classes for, hopefully you had a mom to teach you the ropes growing up but for me all I learned from my mom was what NOT to do.
So here I am. Divorced. Nearly 8yrs of being nothing more than a home maker, mom and wife. I’m no longer the wife, I am still the home maker and mom but without the spouse working and bringing home the bacon I’m literally unemployed. Of course my need to stay home and raise my kids is still upmost on my list of responsibilities. It’s a sticky place to be in, like anyone who’s unemployed you wonder how you’re going to make ends meet, how long you’ll be unemployed, if your next job will be as good or better and you hope to not let down those who depend on you.
So this is me. An unemployed housewife working to make ends meet, find a better job than the previous one and hoping not to let my kids down in the mean time.