Thursday, December 31, 2009

6hrs 50some minutes...

I turned down all my potential dates. I'm sitting at home having a beer and smoking a cigar. I took the kids to my aunt's. The idea was to work the night away but instead I'm enjoying the peace and quiet of an empty house. With so many chores that need to be finished around me reminding me that my job isn't done. Maybe for today it is though.

I've been working on next years calendar - tomorrow's calendar. Wondering where next year will take me. The past 12 months have been patiently sitting still while the next 12 months will be actively moving forward. The last 12 months have been spent recovering and strengthening while the next 12 months will be buidling and testing the limits.

I wish I had someone here with me.

Today I was reminded of old flames, forgotten interests and broken promises. Tomorrow I hope to leave it all behind.

I know it's just another day. But in some ways it's a state of mind. Once again a new start. Starting at 1 and ending at 365. Kinda like each day is a new start, each birthday is a new beginning, a new chance.

Ya know the feeling?

So yea. I'm contemplating the new year. Starting fresh.

It reminds me of when I was 13. We'd just moved to a new town during Christmas break. We had a new address, new school, new neighboors and a new year. I remember thinking this is a chance to make a whole new me.

Maybe I'm going overboard. But I like this moment. When one year ends and another begins.

Is it just me?

to be single or not to be... that is another question... 15hrs 50some minutes to go

Aug 8th I met a man. It was slow starting, he was shy we didn't do a lot of talking and I never expected it to go anywhere. But each weekend I found myself in his company, hunting, camping, fishing. All the while I really didn't see any sign of us getting closer but it was nice having company.

In Sept he took me out for my birthday twice, once was tickets to see Reba (my favorite), the second time was to a fancy dinner ($132 for the both of us) then one of those jaquzzi rooms (he was the perfect gentleman). It was a great week, One I'll never forget but I still had my doubts of whether or not things would last between us.

October he invited me to go hunting with him and his grandpa. I thought alot of that invitation because to me it seemed special. We were finally getting closer. I was starting to see our lives together. I met his kids the second week we went hunting with his grandpa. I had him and his kids over for dinner a couple of times. Finally it seemed like a relationship that might blossom intom something more.

November it seemed like we were a family. Every Wednesday without question him and his kids would drive over and eat dinner, play board games and everyone pitched in doing chores. We were talking about making our relationship a little more committed at the end of the school year and measuring the rooms for bunk beds.

Thanksgiving week came and went without much of a word. This will probably be his grandpa's last year with them. While I felt left out and discouraged we made it past it and planned for Christmas.

Nov 30 he had a birthday. The Wednesday after that I made him a cake and we celebrated. He left that night with an "I love you" and "I'll see you Saturday". It was a good night. After the discouragement of Thanksgiving week I felt secure again in our relationship.

Friday night he sent me a txt saying he'd be here around 11.

Saturday he never showed up. He didn't answer his phone, he didn't retuurn a txt. I spent the day checking the obits thinking maybe his grandfather had died or he'd been in a wreck.

Sunday came and still no word. His phone was on but he wasn't answering. Whether or not he was getting my txt's I couldn't be sure.

By Monday I was heartbroken. How could all of that just vanish without even a goodbye. Surely something bad had happend.

I found his myspace page. Lonely. was his status. His recent log in was evidence that he wasn't hurt or dead.

Somewhere he'd decided he was done. When that moment was I havn't a clue.

Now. Dec 31 2009. I wonder. Do I really have what it takes to go through that again? Do I really want to give my love to someone who could so easily just walk away without so much as a goodbye? I wonder how could I possibly see the next one coming (or going)?

Do I really want to do that again?

I've been juggling this question in my head since he disapeared. If you remember back in my earlier posts I had this happen before.

So now what? It's not so much of whether or not I need a guy. I don't. The question of whether or not I want someone coming home every night. Sure that'd be nice. But what will it take to get there? How many disapearing acts will I have to witness before one decides to stay?

I don't know what the goal would be for the new year.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

decluttering and rearranging... 1 day 12hrs and 16some minutes..

In my house it's not unusual for me to have 4 books, numerous magazines, note pad, pen, paperwork, cup (of whatever), laptop, next to my favorite chair. I have a tendency to work even when I'm resting. While most of my actual paperwork gets done in the office and most of my garden planning, etc is done on the desk top I find it hard to just sit still and not be doing something to do with the farm.

As I'm walking into the house from being inside I tend to set tools, gloves, hat, etc. down on the closest counter, Next to my bed is another couple of books or misc reading material. The breakfast nook tends to have some project on it, the dinning room table is almost always half covered with half folded laundry that got left to do somethng that required more immediate attention.

The garage has a corner full of wood of varying lengths shapes and sizes that "might come in handy" and occassionally do. My garden shed has managed to turn into partial storage for all those boxes that "might come in handy", beer bottles that will get filled eventually, extra lawn ornaments.

Know the feeling?

Things pile up, stack up get covered up and left for another day or for later. Eventually you take a look around and realize why you havn't invited company over for 4 months.

The solution? Make neater stacks? Declutter at the end of the day? Find a better place to put it?

New task to take on in the new year... declutter and rearrange to make everything fit more efficiently?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

rhyme and reason...

When you live a life that isn't 9-5 or set on someone else's clock it can sometimes be hard to put your to do list together. The when's are not as signficant and it's easy to get lost in all the what's.

You may find yourself making a schedule and trying to stick to it but things are not that simple because with out living by someone else's clock you have more flexibility and more room for forgetting (that 1pm lunch break got passed up and now it's 3pm).

Or you take the opposite route; you know what you need to do and you just hack through your to do list with the only direciton being to get it all done. That works to a point until you realize that the vacumming isn't done and the kids are now in bed, or you realize that those vita/worming/vac/med you're spose to give the livestock havnt been done yet and it's 10pm.

So the challenge is to piece together each day like a puzzle. Where you start and end up is a learning curve. Some start on the outside and work their way in. Some start with the easiest parts then work their way to the harder stuff. Some just wing it all the way through.

One week you find yourself making lists, the next you find yourself following someone elses suggestion, the next you find yourself behind with no direction written out..

Know the feeling?

Goal for the new year... put some rhyme and reason into each day.

Monday, December 28, 2009

3 days 14 hrs and 50some minutes...

Atleast that's what my count down clock says. Sundown for another year. Sun up for a new one. This time of year I start to feel the need to change something, end a bad habit, start a good habit. Change something in an attempt to make it run a little smoother for the next year.

This year I'm reminded of my divorce. The person I was when I walked out of that relationship. The person I became since then. It feels like it's been forever. 5yrs since I filed (though it took longer for it to become legit). I feel like I should be filing for something and waiting for it to become legit.

There was one word that helped me from being a lost lonely co-dependent exwife to who I am now. Reinventing. I decided who I wanted to be and made a game plan to become that person. Here I am. Though I feel like something's still missing. I feel a need to reinvent me again. Though I'm not sure to what extreme. Last time it was easy because it was a total reinvention. Now I think it'll be more subtle.

Wake up earlier, work harder, self reliant, independent..

The game plan? Take what I've done so far and take it to the next level.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

counting down to 2010

It seems as if every year about this time I think "wow where has my year gone". Does that ever cross your mind? I think about last Jan; what was I doing then? What did I do all summer? I think about some of the things my kids did this past year. The things they've learned and tried.

I think of some of the similarities between now and 12 months ago.

This year is seeing another ltr end with confusion. Ofcourse it was so different then last year that there's no way I could have seen it coming. I didn't write down all the dates I had in between like I use to do. I did however have 3 dates from eHarmony. (yet I'm still single) Beginning of the year saw it ending with Chris. Feb till March saw me burning up minutes with Scott; eharmony's cutest Kansas farmer. then the coyote hunter. Dan; nice guy just way too pushy. Brian; eharmony's old and insecure. Mr. Hyde; the correctional officer. Aug till Nov Jeramie; he'll teach me never to settle for less. I even got a date with George (fantasy come true) I'm sure there must be a date or two in there I'm missing but those are the most memorable.

I spent 7 or 8 weekends camping this year. Not bad. I spent atleast 3 months of weekends hunting this year. Not bad. I didn't fill any tags but sure had some fun. Spent one day catching crawdads, spent one night camped out eating crab. Walked miles upon miles following game trail, bear scat and gravel log roads. Only spent about 2hrs lost. But I wasn't really lost just a little late. Confirmed that finding a hunting partner is just as difficult as finding a life partner and I should be just as picky.

My oldest turned 8 this year and the baby 1 (she's 22 months right now). My youngest healed from her surgery and is growing out of her problems. My oldest is becoming very independent and dependable. My two girls make me want to try for a boy but yea I think that'll wait a couple of years. October saw me standing back on my own two feet. No more public assistance for me! August and September saw me making plans for starting a Garden Share. This is what will help see the kids and I through 2010. I've some big plans. Though I guess to most, my big plans are pretty small. March will see me adding a couple of hives to my farm. Porklets and if I can talk the neighbor into it maybe a side of beef. Poultry. A couple more rabbits. I love this self-reliant thing.

Yea this past year has been busy.

Living, loving and planning for the future.

(Now to secure a date to watch the new year come in.)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Gotta love December

Yes, December is significant for Christmas and New Years but it's also a time that the farm slows down, plans get made for the next year and supplies are ordered. I love shopping! Especially for garden and farm stuff.

Though I guess it's not the active task of the past. I get to sit in my pj's in my big comfy chair, a hot cup of coffee at hand and my PC on my lap. Browsing through all the online catalogs. Daydreaming about buckets of honey from those beehives I'll be ordering in Jan, baskets of veggies from the seeds that are now in the mail and on their way. Contemplating should I try raising geese as well as turkeys next spring or just stick with chickens. A steer calf? One or two wiener piglets? Should I try mead this year or continue my quest for the perfect homebrew?

To me, the farmer chick, my stomach growls at the idea of all the glorious home grown food. That's what I get for shopping on an empty stomach!