Thursday, December 31, 2009

to be single or not to be... that is another question... 15hrs 50some minutes to go

Aug 8th I met a man. It was slow starting, he was shy we didn't do a lot of talking and I never expected it to go anywhere. But each weekend I found myself in his company, hunting, camping, fishing. All the while I really didn't see any sign of us getting closer but it was nice having company.

In Sept he took me out for my birthday twice, once was tickets to see Reba (my favorite), the second time was to a fancy dinner ($132 for the both of us) then one of those jaquzzi rooms (he was the perfect gentleman). It was a great week, One I'll never forget but I still had my doubts of whether or not things would last between us.

October he invited me to go hunting with him and his grandpa. I thought alot of that invitation because to me it seemed special. We were finally getting closer. I was starting to see our lives together. I met his kids the second week we went hunting with his grandpa. I had him and his kids over for dinner a couple of times. Finally it seemed like a relationship that might blossom intom something more.

November it seemed like we were a family. Every Wednesday without question him and his kids would drive over and eat dinner, play board games and everyone pitched in doing chores. We were talking about making our relationship a little more committed at the end of the school year and measuring the rooms for bunk beds.

Thanksgiving week came and went without much of a word. This will probably be his grandpa's last year with them. While I felt left out and discouraged we made it past it and planned for Christmas.

Nov 30 he had a birthday. The Wednesday after that I made him a cake and we celebrated. He left that night with an "I love you" and "I'll see you Saturday". It was a good night. After the discouragement of Thanksgiving week I felt secure again in our relationship.

Friday night he sent me a txt saying he'd be here around 11.

Saturday he never showed up. He didn't answer his phone, he didn't retuurn a txt. I spent the day checking the obits thinking maybe his grandfather had died or he'd been in a wreck.

Sunday came and still no word. His phone was on but he wasn't answering. Whether or not he was getting my txt's I couldn't be sure.

By Monday I was heartbroken. How could all of that just vanish without even a goodbye. Surely something bad had happend.

I found his myspace page. Lonely. was his status. His recent log in was evidence that he wasn't hurt or dead.

Somewhere he'd decided he was done. When that moment was I havn't a clue.

Now. Dec 31 2009. I wonder. Do I really have what it takes to go through that again? Do I really want to give my love to someone who could so easily just walk away without so much as a goodbye? I wonder how could I possibly see the next one coming (or going)?

Do I really want to do that again?

I've been juggling this question in my head since he disapeared. If you remember back in my earlier posts I had this happen before.

So now what? It's not so much of whether or not I need a guy. I don't. The question of whether or not I want someone coming home every night. Sure that'd be nice. But what will it take to get there? How many disapearing acts will I have to witness before one decides to stay?

I don't know what the goal would be for the new year.

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