Last night, the first time in almost 5yrs I questioned whether I'm really happy here and with what I'm doing. Part of it is because I let some dude get to me, I let my mom get to me and my brother, I'm letting a lot of things get to me and it's all compiling into this giant chaotic mess all around me.
Part of it is just being tired I think, tired of bullsh*t from others, tired of all the bombshells that get dropped on my lap, tired of linger thought of what's going to go wrong next when things are going smoothly. I know think positive. Negative thinking leads to negative crapola. It's not like I spend the majority of my life thinking negative thoughts so obviously negative crapola is caused by something else other then my thoughts. Cause normally my thoughts revolve around a little fantasy of my little farm and my little family and our little existance here on this little earth. Normally. It's the negative crapola that causes me to start thinking negatively. Of course it's easy for a bystander to say well if you'd just think positive thoughts then postitive things would happen, of course they only say that when they catch you thinking negative thoughts cause when you're actually thinking positive thoughts then they could actually care less. Ya know the feeling?
So the dude that got to me. I'm too confident to need a relationship. I obviously have it all put together and could not possibly have any sort of want in a relationship. Therefore he's just not going to bother. Yea, I know it's a load of bs. The reality is I'm not quite up to par on his beautiful scale.
My mom got to me. Because now I make too much for state health insurance my kids have been dropped off of it. That's a two sided coin. Luckily the baby's back problem is being addressed at a hospital that is free for patients. I really got lucky there. God bless you God. If that's even possible. The down side is the normal check ups and what not will be up to me to foot the bill. Which isn't all bad because the kids only have normal check ups now that they're older. The kicker that's going to hurt is if the baby has to have her heart surgery. Okay, so back to mom getting to me. She says I should give up my plan of making the farm successful because it's selfish of me not to put my kids first. Yes, she actually said that. I'm being selfish for wanting to provide a home and comfortable lifestyle for my kids because I don't want to be on welfare and getting state aide. Why I let her get to me still, after all these years of knowing she has no ability to rationalize is beyond me.
My brother got to me. According to him I should find a suggar daddy. The definition of that: I should whore myself out in order to be able to pay him a full time check. Ha! I love my family! Just a whole boat load of funnies there. Yea, I don't know what I'd do without them.
I was told once that men want to save a woman. Since I'm not looking for a hero just a partner in crime I'm not in the right place in life to find love. Somewhere in there the definition of love is something like, must need to be saved. Or so it seems from what I've been gathering.
I'm a weakling. Maybe I'm addicted to dating (i'm joking). I joined eHarmony. Again. I figured, it was a way to meet people serious about finding a loving longterm relationship. So I subscribed for 3 months.
Heck I gotta have some sort of entertaining for the masses. Right? I'm determined to be the newest sitcom.
Anyways so today I'm frustrated. I'll get over it. Probably just the time of the month. Duck and cover! I probably shouldn't be so blunt. Hmm...
Oh and the conclusion. Of course I'm happy here. It's about the best way I can raise my kids. What could be better?
I can't seem find the spell checker on this updated blog post thingy so forgive my misspellings..
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