Taxes..

This time of year I sometimes miss the simplicity of working for someone else. They mail you your w2 and you're off to H&R, 2 weeks later you're a little richer, 2 days after that you're broke again.

It doesn't work quite like that when your lifestyle is your means of income. So paperwork for breakfast, lunch and dinner till you're sure you've crossed all your i's and dotted all your t's. Er um.. maybe it's the other way around.

If you're lucky enough to have as many expenses as taxes then life isn't so bad (thats me this year) but if you have the misfortune (I know what a double standard huh?) of having a really great year then you tend to dread this time of year.

So yea the rest of this week will be spent wrapping up paperwork for taxes. Then the countdown till payday. I like to call it a holiday bonus. Too bad I couldn't put in for a paid vacation!

Know the feeling?

so the new year starts out with a bang.. or dud..

My drinking new years eve seems to have kicked off the flu that's been going around. It's been so long since I've been sick that it really caught me by surprise. Though I guess I'm not all that surprised drinking lowers the immune system and whatever is in there takes over. No it's not just a hangover. I thought so at first but it still has me down and out even now. So start the new year off with lots of bed rest and fluids.

My ex all of a sudden decided to take a dominate approach to his fathering. He's insisted that I'm keeping his daughter away from him. Those of you who know me beyond my blog know that my ex has been in the same house as my daughter damn near every weekend for the past year. (because he wont get a job and my aunt being the christian woman that she is - God bless her - has been letting him stay in one of her spare rooms.)

So although his daughter has been in the same house he's been in damn near every weekend for the past year he's not seen more then a couple hours of quality time with her. My daughter comes home hurt because he barely says hello and goodbye to her as he leaves to be with friends. He's one of the luckiest sob's I know getting to be under the same roof as his daughter so often but yet he's one of the dumbest for not taking full advantage of it and spending that time with her.

So now that he's behind in rent with my aunt he's found a couple of kids to move in with. How I don't know. So he's ditched my aunt and all the bad debt he has made in her little town and moved on to a new start. It is the new year and everyone deserves a fresh start. Right? Right.

So now even though I have no idea where he's living and he's yet to have a bed to sleep in, is sharing an apartment with a couple of kids (yes they're legal though one isn't legal to drink yet), he wants my 7yr old to be a part of his new life. *Sigh*

Unfortunately just short of kidnap and running away I have little choice in the matter.

Be forever warned: Do not make kids with anyone, when they leave you have no control over what they subject those kids to. (Yea next time I'm going to a sperm bank)

So I'm nursing my fluish/hangover, stressed over what my daughter will be subjected to next weekend and cleaning the house like ya wouldn't believe. What else is a woman to do when she's stress/upset? Cleaning house is the only solution.

What a way to start in the new year. Atleast my house will have a good start. Off to finish what I've started.

Be well, God bless.. say an extra prayer for my 7yr old (and her momma)

6hrs 50some minutes...

I turned down all my potential dates. I'm sitting at home having a beer and smoking a cigar. I took the kids to my aunt's. The idea was to work the night away but instead I'm enjoying the peace and quiet of an empty house. With so many chores that need to be finished around me reminding me that my job isn't done. Maybe for today it is though.

I've been working on next years calendar - tomorrow's calendar. Wondering where next year will take me. The past 12 months have been patiently sitting still while the next 12 months will be actively moving forward. The last 12 months have been spent recovering and strengthening while the next 12 months will be buidling and testing the limits.

I wish I had someone here with me.

Today I was reminded of old flames, forgotten interests and broken promises. Tomorrow I hope to leave it all behind.

I know it's just another day. But in some ways it's a state of mind. Once again a new start. Starting at 1 and ending at 365. Kinda like each day is a new start, each birthday is a new beginning, a new chance.

Ya know the feeling?

So yea. I'm contemplating the new year. Starting fresh.

It reminds me of when I was 13. We'd just moved to a new town during Christmas break. We had a new address, new school, new neighboors and a new year. I remember thinking this is a chance to make a whole new me.

Maybe I'm going overboard. But I like this moment. When one year ends and another begins.

Is it just me?

to be single or not to be... that is another question... 15hrs 50some minutes to go

Aug 8th I met a man. It was slow starting, he was shy we didn't do a lot of talking and I never expected it to go anywhere. But each weekend I found myself in his company, hunting, camping, fishing. All the while I really didn't see any sign of us getting closer but it was nice having company.

In Sept he took me out for my birthday twice, once was tickets to see Reba (my favorite), the second time was to a fancy dinner ($132 for the both of us) then one of those jaquzzi rooms (he was the perfect gentleman). It was a great week, One I'll never forget but I still had my doubts of whether or not things would last between us.

October he invited me to go hunting with him and his grandpa. I thought alot of that invitation because to me it seemed special. We were finally getting closer. I was starting to see our lives together. I met his kids the second week we went hunting with his grandpa. I had him and his kids over for dinner a couple of times. Finally it seemed like a relationship that might blossom intom something more.

November it seemed like we were a family. Every Wednesday without question him and his kids would drive over and eat dinner, play board games and everyone pitched in doing chores. We were talking about making our relationship a little more committed at the end of the school year and measuring the rooms for bunk beds.

Thanksgiving week came and went without much of a word. This will probably be his grandpa's last year with them. While I felt left out and discouraged we made it past it and planned for Christmas.

Nov 30 he had a birthday. The Wednesday after that I made him a cake and we celebrated. He left that night with an "I love you" and "I'll see you Saturday". It was a good night. After the discouragement of Thanksgiving week I felt secure again in our relationship.

Friday night he sent me a txt saying he'd be here around 11.

Saturday he never showed up. He didn't answer his phone, he didn't retuurn a txt. I spent the day checking the obits thinking maybe his grandfather had died or he'd been in a wreck.

Sunday came and still no word. His phone was on but he wasn't answering. Whether or not he was getting my txt's I couldn't be sure.

By Monday I was heartbroken. How could all of that just vanish without even a goodbye. Surely something bad had happend.

I found his myspace page. Lonely. was his status. His recent log in was evidence that he wasn't hurt or dead.

Somewhere he'd decided he was done. When that moment was I havn't a clue.

Now. Dec 31 2009. I wonder. Do I really have what it takes to go through that again? Do I really want to give my love to someone who could so easily just walk away without so much as a goodbye? I wonder how could I possibly see the next one coming (or going)?

Do I really want to do that again?

I've been juggling this question in my head since he disapeared. If you remember back in my earlier posts I had this happen before.

So now what? It's not so much of whether or not I need a guy. I don't. The question of whether or not I want someone coming home every night. Sure that'd be nice. But what will it take to get there? How many disapearing acts will I have to witness before one decides to stay?

I don't know what the goal would be for the new year.

decluttering and rearranging... 1 day 12hrs and 16some minutes..

In my house it's not unusual for me to have 4 books, numerous magazines, note pad, pen, paperwork, cup (of whatever), laptop, next to my favorite chair. I have a tendency to work even when I'm resting. While most of my actual paperwork gets done in the office and most of my garden planning, etc is done on the desk top I find it hard to just sit still and not be doing something to do with the farm.

As I'm walking into the house from being inside I tend to set tools, gloves, hat, etc. down on the closest counter, Next to my bed is another couple of books or misc reading material. The breakfast nook tends to have some project on it, the dinning room table is almost always half covered with half folded laundry that got left to do somethng that required more immediate attention.

The garage has a corner full of wood of varying lengths shapes and sizes that "might come in handy" and occassionally do. My garden shed has managed to turn into partial storage for all those boxes that "might come in handy", beer bottles that will get filled eventually, extra lawn ornaments.

Know the feeling?

Things pile up, stack up get covered up and left for another day or for later. Eventually you take a look around and realize why you havn't invited company over for 4 months.

The solution? Make neater stacks? Declutter at the end of the day? Find a better place to put it?

New task to take on in the new year... declutter and rearrange to make everything fit more efficiently?